If Fox Nation were a real nation, part 1: The Beginning

I’ve oft spent countless hours at night, rolling in fitful sleep, imagining what kind of nation TheFoxNation.com really would produce if you took the userbase and staff and allowed them to actually take over the US and deport all us “unAmerican commies”.

Thankfully the real America in no way resembles the frightening dystopia of the Fox Nation. For the sake of shits-n-giggles, I’ve modeled a nation from birth to maturity using the commenter’s own beliefs and assuming that it would be a majority opinion. Read more by hitting the link below:

9/12/2009
Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Bill O’ Reilly and token Asian Michelle Malkin succeed in birthing a new nation, free from Obama and his communist ideals. They and 55 million “Red Staters” ex-pat and form The Fox Nation.

Fall 2009
The Fox Nation officially declares independence and adopts the US Constitution “before Obummer started crossing out our rights”. Ironically it is the same US Constitution in effect on 9/12/2009.

The Department of Biblical Authority is created to ensure that The Fox Nation remains “true to the ideals of the Founding Fathers in that we are a Christian Nation”. As a result, Constitution Rev1.0 is released to the public containing the appropriate rewrite of the 1st Amendment to read “The official religion of The Fox Nation is Christianity. Anyone not Christian will be deporting immediately.” When pressed for comment as to why the original Constitution was missing an official religion, President Beck replied “they musta just forget to put that in.”

The Dirty Liberal NAFTA treaty is abolished and replaced with the Sustainable Towns Act. Asked to sum up the Act, Vice President Ann Coulter says “it places a ban on all imports and exports, all things grown in FoxNation are for FoxNation”.

Winter 2009
Proving his Patriotism and showing how much of a commie Obama really was, President Beck declares his own “Beer Summit” stocked only with Patriotic Sam Adam’s beer. “Sam Adams was a brewer and a Patriot,” Beck said, “so it only makes sense that our great FoxNation drink 100% Nation beer”.

Unfortunately due to the Sustainable Towns Act, the key Bavarian hops in Sam Adams are banned, causing the brewery to resort to hops fields planted on Boston Harbor, giving the beer a smoky dirt taste.

Spring 2010
The Great Fox Wall is completed, sealing off the Nation from Canada and the Dirty Mexicans. Paper & lumber supplies go into a free-fall when Canadian timber is stopped at the border. Churches begin complaining about lack of paper for new Bibles.

Summer 2010
President Beck and VP Coulter overturn Dirty Liberal legislature mandating the minimum wage and work week hours. Adjusted Gross Income per Household begins falling.

As a rider attached to the Eradicate Liburls Act, Beck & Coulter remove all traces of “evil socialist fingers” in the medical industry. Medicare and Medicaid are dissolved. Health premiums increase to 67% of average household income, and over 80% of the Nation’s 60+ population die after being unable to afford treatments and medications.

Fall 2010
The Nation adds an unprecedented 15 million children to its population resulting from the Department of Biblical Authority outlawing all contreceptives in Fall 2009 that “interfered with the great Lord’s plan for the women on the Nation”. Household healthcare costs jump 300% and force most adults to pick up a 4th or 5th job. One Nation member named Joe who works 6 jobs totaling $7.80 per hour commented “Ha, well, sure beats having my freedoms taken away by that Socialist Fascist Communist Nazi Obama”. Joe later died after complications from an errant toe-nail clipping setup a treatable, but expensive infection in most of his body.

Winter 2010
Homes begin to go dark after the last of the oil reserves run out. Refusing to import more oil from “those ragheads”, President Beck orders more coal production from Appalachia. Unfortunately, after unions were outlawed in Winter 2009, and most surviving coal miners are unwilling to work the dangerous conditions for $0.89 per hour, coal production peaks at 1.2% of pre-9/12/2009 numbers.

To be continued! Possibly