Writing

I’ve oft spent countless hours at night, rolling in fitful sleep, imagining what kind of nation TheFoxNation.com really would produce if you took the userbase and staff and allowed them to actually take over the US and deport all us “unAmerican commies”.

Thankfully the real America in no way resembles the frightening dystopia of the Fox Nation. For the sake of shits-n-giggles, I’ve modeled a nation from birth to maturity using the commenter’s own beliefs and assuming that it would be a majority opinion. Read more by hitting the link below:
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So I had this awesome dream last night, and actually remember the whole thing.

Zed Shaw created an international company called, naturally given Zed Shaw’s ego, Zed Shaw International Inc. The company’s sole purpose was to create ebook PDFs, print and sell them to developers. He had approached Andy, Chris and I to get TehDev articles for reprint, and arranged for us all to fly to HQ in Europe.

Oh yeah, one weird thing about this dream was that Chris actually was my co-worker Steven.

For some odd reason that I can’t remember, Chris/Steven and I ended up missing the flight. Andy called from the plane and let me know that it would be making a touch-an-go stop at the next airport, so we went racing down this four lane highway with the plane right above the car.

Suddenly the plane nosedives and tries to make an emergancy landing on the highway right in front of us. Unfortunately they land a bit too hard, the tires go flying off the plane and it skids across eight lanes of traffic, killing all kinds of people.

As the police show up, Zed Shaw comes to the wreckage and presents evidence that Andy, Chris/Steven and I sabotaged the plane. Chris/Steven is deported to China ( where Steven actually is from ) and is publicly executed for helping crash the plane.

I was sent to a “camp” for adults where all you do is play shotgun tag with these odd, painful barrel clip shotguns.

While hanging out in the camp, I get a package from Andy containing some chipsets, a Skype phone and a soldering gun. The instructions inside told me to activate the phone and save the boards.

After activating the phone, Andy called and told me what he had found out. Apparently Zed Shaw sabotaged the plane and set us up to take the fall so he could gank all our TehDev articles and not have to pay for them. He also wanted us out of the way because we were all superior programmers. Sweet.

The flaw in his plan was that while he was able to make Chris/Steven and I miss the flight, Andy had gotten on and was presumed dead. Being the super genius that he is, Andy had spent the time in hiding, building…. A TIME MACHINE. Sweeeeeet.

Thus the circuit boards with the phone. The schematic that was included allowed me to modify the phone in order to receive calls from Andy’s special headset when he went back in time. Back to the year 1946. Back in time in order to.. wait for it…

Kill Zed Shaw’s dad and cause Zed Shaw to not exist

From here the dream became awesome, and way too long to try and detail out. Basically Andy went back to 1946 and started setting traps for Zed Shaw’s dad to fall into. Unfortunately the first attempt took out a random stranger, who ended up being the father of the owner of my eye doctor office, which instantly caused my eyesight to worsen and made it impossible to see.

The second attempt he accidentally took out GW Bush’s grandfather and caused the entire US to change. The third attempt was the charm: setting a piano up 5 stories and dropping it on Zed Shaw’s dad. Mission Accomplished.

Chris/Steven instantly reappeared, I ended up suddenly on a golf course in Florida wearing coke-bottle glasses, and Andy became the millionaire owner of Andy’s International Inc.

Best. Dream. Evar.

A bit of non-news first: Stephen King came out and said Stephanie Myers is a shitty writer.

In the reddit thread that followed, teflonbob came up with a hilarious plot for a book:

That could be the premise for Kings next novel, a post-apocalyptic world where Meyers, Rowling and King each control a faction in the burnt out wastes of America. Meyers rules the tweens and 40 somethings, Rowling rules the pre-tweens and King has a raging horde of twenty-to-forty-somethings which ravages the country side and occasionally raids civilization.

…

I can see it now..
“Who run muggle town?”
“ROWLING RUN MUGGLE TOWN!!” – proceeded by JK Rowling ripping the head off of a Meyers’ follower.

…

Phillip K. Dick unfortunately dies in a firefight soon after the bombs drop. Before he died he took out numerous FBI and CIA agents who were at the time tracking him (he was right all along!)

Terry Pratchet, Margrett Weis, Tracy Hickman, Richard Knaak, R. A Salvatore and the re-animated corpses of H.P Lovecraft and J. R. R. Tolkien find refuge up in the free-states of Canada. Piers Anthony lived with them for a short time however he was kicked out because his Xanth series was just too wierd for even a group that lived with two re-animated corpses. They are guarded around the clock by fanatic fanboys (and fangirls) who fancy themselves druids in a system reminiscent of LARPing.

Arthur C. Clarke (who had faked his death in 2008 to join Stanley Kubrick on the monolith circling Saturn) returns to Earth to teach the wasteland children the fundamentals of survival in a scene very reminiscent of the 2001:Space Odyssey ape scene in Africa.

Douglas Adam’s left years ago with the Dolphins and thus was unaffected by the chaos. Upon hearing about the decimation of Earths civilizations he simply states ‘Took long enough, but now where am I going to get a good cup of tea?’

…

I would but it would only end up being some wierd hybrid of a biopic fanfiction that would never see the light of day. It would be reviled by millions and adored by only a small cabal of readers on 4chan and maybe an irc newsgroup.
Just by the authors involved you know that in one chapter you would find out there was a secret romance before the ‘end time’ between two of the ‘Author Overlords’ and that child is the rightful heir to not only one but two of the ‘Provinces of the Book.’ King’s royal tabbard would have either a car or a tower silhouette. Rowlings would be a lightning symbol or a wand while Meyers would be a set of vampire fangs or a tear drop (or perhaps a slashed wrist.)
Ugh, this shit just rights itself when it comes to a lot of these authors. :\

I think teflonbob should get on this, I would definitely buy it. I would say “If he doesn’t, then I will and give him credit”, but I don’t know enough about each of authors to make it convincing.

Seriously, “ROWLING RUN MUGGLE TOWN!!” made me choke on my coffee.

Ah Conservapedia, the laughingstock of the Wiki world. Read more to understand why Conservapedia is a stalwart example of the Expert Idiot problem.
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So what do Michelle Malkin, Michael Savage, Fox “News”, Sean Hannity and countless other FNC experts have in common? Peddling hatred and bigotry.

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I’m going to follow in Andy’s footsteps and open a recipe section here on Kinderism. First up, my chili recipe that has taken over two years to perfect. Go forth and abuse thy bowel!